Velly Cleva

I don't know about you lot, but Calgary has introduced a pretty hi-tech pay parking system.

So you key in the amount of time you want and your licence plate number. Using your credit card or cell phone.

With that info, the Meter Maids drive by with a licence plate scanner, the computer checks to see if that plate has parking time against it. If not, the computer sends a ticket to your house. Next car, please.

I've seen this in action. All she does is drive slowly up and down the streets. Ka-ching, ka-ching.

Which Is It, Umberto?

Ya can't have it both ways....

What's Wrong With This Picture?

No gloves!!

Woo hooo!! We made it up to zero today. Let the bells ring!

She Didn't Stand A Chance

Local Calgary girl, Feist was up for five Grammy's, but that Brit, wild woman Amy Winehouse took them all.
Nowadays, it's not enough to be talented, cute and smart. Today's rock star has to have a lot more going for her.

Feist will obviously have to pick up her act a bit.

Have you ever been in rehab? No...? Hmmmm......
Have you recently been arrested for drunken driving? No?! Sheesh.
Hey, are you wearing underwear? Come on, get with the program.

Good Canadian girl doesn't stand a chance.......

I Got News For Ya.....

....that ain't ice.

How's That Working For Ya?

Here is a nice little restaurant, tucked in.....the alley between two high rise condos (mine and my neighbors). I guess this guy never heard of the expression "Location, location, location."

A better view of his "location" below.
But really, where else in a city this big can you get that kind of privacy?

Hmmmmmm?

....just how much whiz is in there anyway?

Ahhhh....

So inspite of my earlier, and incessant, whining about not getting into the Plus 15, I finally did.

Blech.... And I'm glad I was able to get above it all.

Of course, not without first running into some of my friends in there [Oh, here he goes again.]

Some of Calgary's most vulnerable citizens were hunkered down having a bit of a party. Four of them, two guys and two girls, were drinking and smoking and carrying on having a great time. While the rest of us were at work.

One of the girls called out to me, "Ya gonna take our picture, honey?". Darn it , I was just about to, but then skittered off like a scaredy Eastern boy.

But I'll be back. Later on.... Pretty likely...if that's okay.

See...I'm Not Paranoid

Front page of today's paper, our deterioating safety situation is getting lots of attention. And which district is leading the pack, from the wrong end?
The Beltline?! Are you kidding me? Sure, that's a terrible area. But look a little north - I'm in a worse area. Literally on the wrong side of tracks. It's just a little sliver of depavitude, but it's ours. Drugs, murders, booze, stabbings. We got it all, baby!

Anyway, I just keep my eyes open whenever I'm out. Banging on doors trying to get into that Plus 15 system.

Balls This Big

You really haved to wonder how some people can look at themselves in the mirror each morning.

Here is a story of a guy who kills a kid at over 100 mph with his Audi A8. Then he sued the dead teenager's parents for $30,000 to pay for the damage to his Audi!

Now for some strange reason, it looks as though he's dropped his lawsuit. What a great guy.....

Good Move, Einstein!

To help cope with the bitterly cold winters here in the Heart of the New West, they have built interconnecting pathways between downtown buildings 15 feet above ground. It is called the "Plus 15" system.

Being a sissy Eastern boy, I use it everyday to get to work during winter.

You may have read we have had an entire week of frigid, bitingly cold weather. So what have I encountered everyday this week at my entrance to the "Plus 15" system?

"Due to extreme weather, lobby doors are closed." What?

You freakin' morons! It is because of extreme weather that the freakin' Plus 15 system was built! Who runs this city?

Sorry, but when you read this at 6:30 a.m. and it is -40, you get a bit pissed off!

The note goes on politely to say that hotel guests may use the parkade but Plus 15 access must....wait til it gets warmer, I guess. So I had to run around yanking on doors all over the place to find one that might get me inside.

I finally found one, but wasn't in a good mood by this time. So I kicked the homeless guy lying outside. That made me feel a little better.

Hey? What Are They No longer Doing?

One can only wonder.....

"We are not doing that any more!"

Hmmmmm? Doesn't Look Like -48oC

But holy freakin' doodle, it sure feels like it!

This is what we woke up to this morning; -48 with the windchill.
But it felt a lot more like -49 to me.

And, to top off the day, our fire alarm went off. So we're outside at night with all the firemen racing around. On the coldest night of year. With apologies to Bruce Cockburn.

So not only was it feakin' cold, it was freakin' windy. It was so cold even the snow was trying to sneak inside.

Yeah, Baby!

Went to the second game of the Roughnecks lacrosse season. You know, there's no better way to feel like an out of touch, old fogey than to sit beside two ubercool 15 year old dudes.

Some samples;

Me jumping up an telling "Yeah, baby!!" A lot.
UC Dudes, slinking down in their seats, grimacing at each other.

Me: "Check it out, guys, the ref got some guy for using an illegal stick! Yeah baby!"
UC Dude #1 (with a nano turn of his head); "No...they regularly check them all game long. Nobody got caught."
Me: "Oh...."

Me: "Hey? Why'd they blow the whistle? Come on ref!!"
UC Dude #2 (with an incredibly pained expression): "Because the period's over."
Me: "Oh, yeah."
His last comment was said with his mouth. His eyes said; can you possibly be any more stupid?

Well, apparently from their ongoing expressions, I was just getting warmed up. Yeah, baby!

Me (now late in the game): "A penalty shot? Are you nuts ref? He didn't touch him!"
UCD#1: "Too many men, less than two minutes in the game, a penalty shot." They were by now resigned to explaining and correcting almost every one of my comments.
Me: "Oh...." (In my defense, how do you know that rule?)

Let's just say I think these guys are now planning to shoot themselves long before they reach 40. If this is what it's going to be like.

And neither of them will ever drink beer. Good, more for me.

Oh, Yeah?

Across the street from my place, that's how you handle annoying restrictions.

Location, Location, Location

The Calgary apartment vacancy rate is hovering around zero.

So it's come to this; an open house to live in the back of some guy's truck.

Actually, I saw the ad for this in the paper; "Lovely four door Chevy Tahoe, steps from the C-Train. Perfect for young couples. Crackhead couples."

$4:50 Corona's - Not Bad!

Looks Like They're Selling Well, Too
This is the pub around the corner. From the looks of the clientele from sticking my head in, I think the fella passed out in my lobby comes here for a few drinks before going to bed.

Good thing about living in my neighborhood when you are mobility challenged is that there is actually lots of interesting stuff easily accessible within limping distance.

Who knew I'd be so lucky.

Now We're Getting Somewhere

Front page of today's paper. I'm not the only one whining about our deteriorating downtown situation. So they are finally planning a safety audit of the commuter train system.

One of the skeptical pundits said, since it will be done by the transit system itself, the audit will likely find that there's no safety problem; the cars are safe, the doors work and the wheels don't fall off.

Nice.......

So I go down to get a paper this morning and what do I see - I mean who do I see. Wait a second, I don't know who this is....what scuzbag do I see passed out in our lobby?

It's a good thing Google doesn't have its smell-o-rama feature enabled or you'd be doubled over. Our whole lobby stank you like wouldn't believe.

I know it's tough to make him out, but below is what the lobby should look like.


So did I call the cops to get him out? Did I yell and kick him to get him out? No, no...I just got my paper and went back upstairs. Sigh.... But something has to be done about these guys.

Now all you suburbanites are saying, what a heartless cad you are. These are the most vulnerable people in our society. We need to look after them. Well, see if you like them sleeping on your property.

You guys go back to your pretty bungalows. While we urban cowboys have to be tougher, grittier than that to survive.....oo oo wait a second, my mocha latte is ready. Mmmmm.....anyway.... grittier to survive down here in the core.

And don't worry, these guys have lots of shelters where they can get warm and eat. But they don't want to go there, because they won't let them in hammered and high. So they just ride around on the free C-Train all day long. And now, sleep in my lobby. Whew....I'm out of breathe.

And it's not just me. In today's paper a female reporter told it like it is.
Way to go Naomi. She started by relating a story about Israeli prime minister Golda Meir.

Her male cabinet ministers told her the way to cut down on nighttime assaults was to have a curfew banning women after dark. She shot back - no, ban the men.

So Naomi really lit into those "scumbags who ride up and down the free-fare zone...because they have nothing better to do with their sordid lives. They're even sleeping in guy's lobbies." Okay, I added that last part.

But the rest is right on! Maybe we're getting to a critical mass here.

[P.S. What prompted her article was a woman was beaten to death at a C-Train station on the weekend.]

Okay, angry middle-aged, middle-class guy signing off......

It's All Canadian, Eh?

Now that's Canadian! And, apparently, Calgarian.

That brings to mind a song........

"Home, my home is strange.
Where the bear and moose paddle all day.
Where gunshots are heard,
And the words are all slurred
By the guys that are drinking all day."