I Gotta Draw The Line At Mall Cop

Or "Do you want Tylenol with that?"

I actually went to this clinic and I think I was the only one with my own teeth and (put on grumpy, retired guy hat) my own money.

This clinic is in a "disadvantaged", or "priority" or "high risk" or "I'll have to read the Toronto Star to get more names for this kind of" area.

I went in simply to have a previous "test" "read". A five second exercise. The receptionist asked, "Have you paid?". I've had these tests before and never paid.

I told her that when I had the test done, they didn't charge me and told me to come here for Part 2.

Her eyes narrowed and asked if "Public Health" paid for this. I assumed she meant our government health care plan. What she meant, in hindsight, was if I had any income at all, I better darn well pay for the test. If I was living off other taxpayers, then it's a free ride me, baby.

This is likely not the official, government definition of "Public Health", but close enough.

I guess I hesitated long enough, because she stamped my file.

Now because Part 2 takes all of five seconds, I was whisked right back to see the doctor. And I could feel twenty two sets of beady eyes in the waiting room tracking me.

Of course, when the doctor walked in and saw that I had my own teeth, his eyes narrowed and asked "Have you paid?" When I hesitated, he called out "Nurse, take him back out front to pay."

The nurse, her eyes wide, "You haven't paid?" Now taking me back out to the front, calling to the receptionist, "Why hasn't he paid?" I'm surprized she wasn't pulling me by one ear.

Twenty two smirky smiles now slowly appeared in the waiting room.

The receptionist points at me and stares accusingly, biting out each word, "He said Public Health paid!". So that was going to be $60.

I leaned over and said to her, "$60 for Part 2?"

She said, "Oh, you're here for Part 2?"

I was this close to pointing and bellowing "I told you that when I came in!" But being the compassionate, restrained person you know me as, I bit my tongue.

She said "Oh, okay" and motioned to the nurse. The nurse said, "Oh, okay." And then the doctor said, "Oh, okay." Five seconds later, I was out of there.

What a great system.

No wonder my own doctor winkingly advised me - while delivering Part 1 - "It's probably easier just to come back here for Part 2." I didn't listen to her.

And as likely the only guy actually paying to run that mall clinic, I was the one treated like a deadbeat. My grumpy, old retired guy hat probably gave me away.

I gotta get rid of that thing....

[Ed. note: Fat chance.]